You know those “crazy” dog moms that kinda inwardly make you cringe? The ones that get shirts printed with pictures of their dogs face on it? Or the moms that constantly have dog hair on them and don’t seem to care about lint rollers because they are just constantly covered in hair? Or how about the moms that always seem to answer social invites with, “yeah but can my dog come?”
Well Hi! I’m that dog mom! Okay so the above paragraph may be exaggerated a bit but thats only because my dog, Emma, doesn’t like social invites…or people really. She likes me and thats about it. She prefers to stay at home, curled up on the couch with absolutely no new or strange people around her. She does love to leave her hair literally EVERYWHERE and trust me when I say that I have used about 10 lint rollers in one month. Yep. I have tried pretty much everything actually; lint rollers, tape, vacuuming every day, kicking her off the bed every 5 minutes, hair spraying my pants, dramatically running away from Emma when I’ve just put black leggings on… you name it, I’ve tried it. It doesn’t work. Her hair just magically appears on my clothing in mass quantities. There seems to be a certain point in “dog mama” life, where you just stop caring. When a friend or stranger inevitably says to you “Hey, you, um, have some hair on your pants…” You simply respond, “Yeah. I have a dog.” *Shoulder shrug*
So why am I writing this post? Well let me give you some context. I recently moved Emma from San Bernardino County, California to Humboldt County, California; one of the driest climates to one of the wettest. To say the move has been difficult for her would be a bit of an understatement. Emma is eight years old, and from the time that my sibling rescued her as a puppy, she has always been anxious, untrusting, and shy. She is also goofy, playful, talkative, loving, and smart. But it is the anxious side of her that has been on display since moving her to Humboldt. I knew it would be a big transition for her and I had planned everything I could beforehand to make it as easy as I could, but unfortunately she just has never acclimated to life in Humboldt and it has started to take a toll on her. So the decision has been made to move her back to San Bernardino County to live with my mom again and this dog mama’s heart is breaking.
This post won’t interest everyone, and thats okay, but for me, I simply wanted to write about Emma. Because its Emma that has revealed to me the depths of Abba’s love for me. Abba has used one of his creations, a goofy and anxious little pup, to show me love and loyalty and companionship on days and through years that I was unable to receive it from anyone else. In the days after my suicide attempt, some 4 years ago, there were days I didn’t get out of bed or have any social interaction with anyone. But Emma was there. I spent my days watching Netflix with her by my side, her little body warming my side and continually keeping me company. In those days, my thoughts for myself were only full of shame, hate, and disgust… I look back and realize that if it wasn’t for Emma, I don’t think much would’ve changed in my life. Dogs don’t see the shame, or the disgust or all the reasons you hate yourself; they see their owner and their person and they love them. Abba loved me through my dog, because I was so full of hurt and hate that I, at this time, couldn’t receive love if I knew it was actually coming from Him. So Emma loved me, because thats what dogs do. They love you, without questions, without doubting you or without restraint, they love you. God was and is faithful enough to know how to love.
Now a days, I have a different mind and different eyes. I am happy and not the same person I was 4 years ago… and Emma is still here. She plays with me, she talks to me (I swear, you have to see it to know, but she talks), she gives me kisses, and she cuddles with me (and somehow knows when I’ve reached my limit of cuddling). I’ve always joked with my parents that Emma was “made for me” but I don’t think I’m actually joking. I think God knew I would need an Emma. A puppy that didn’t trust everyone, but wholeheartedly loved and trusted me. A dog that knew my mind and heart so well she knew when to cuddle me and when to just be at the end of the bed instead. A pup that, because she literally has her own anxiety issues, seemed to understand mine.
You may think I’m being dramatic, or overly sensitive. That’s fine. It happens. But just know that I know God’s love more now than I did 4 years ago, and all because of a dog. So is giving her up an easy thing to do? Hell to the no. But Emma took care of me for so long, its only fair that she gets taken care of even better now. So off to a warmer and drier winter Emma will go, with a huge backyard, lots of squirrels to chase, and a Nana that loves her just as much as I do. I’ll cry a lot over her for a bit, just giving everyone fair warning. But maybe, just maybe, God knows something I don’t and maybe, its just possible, that I’m finally in a season that I don’t need Emma anymore; even though I want her with me forever.
That’s all for now. Bye Friends.